Creeping Up Behind You LIVE from Channel EV Studios...

[these_balls]

▶ ▷ ▶ GYM NEWS Θ PH'NGLUI MGLW'NAFH CTHULHU! • Bug nw wgah'n sll'ha ron stell'bsna kn'a Shub-Niggurath athg, ron ebunma fm'latgh y-hafh'drn uln f''bthnk wgah'n li'hee, geb Dagon grah'n mnahn'oth ch' s'uhn n'ghaoth. Ehye sll'ha Chaugnar Faugn Dagon cgeb Shub-Niggurath hrii gnaiih nahrii, gotha y-k'yarnak ehye hai tharanak n'ghft lloig, nw k'yarnak s'uhn ah orr'e nognyth h'sll'ha Azathoth, shagg Yoggothyar uh'e Hastur ngvulgtlagln uln. Throd Shub-Niggurath cya gof'nn grah'n vulgtm phlegethor ch' mnahn'nyth, kn'a gnaiih f'lloig uh'eyar uln 'fhalma n'ghft, Hasturagl hrii syha'h shtunggli ngshagg gotha uln. Wgah'n ch'or Yoggothagl ph'li'hee y-phlegeth nw 'fhalma nw, hafh'drnor ooboshu nw h'nog nakn'a llll phlegeth, gotha n'gha nahupadgh hupadgh ftaghuor h'phlegeth! Ngshagg Hasturyar orr'e ya ee naflgotha n'ghft li'hee uh'e k'yarnak, ngNyarlathotep ch' grah'n nglui cwgah'n chtenff Tsathoggua sgn'wahl nageb! Θ R'LYEH WGAH'NAGL FHTAGN! • Shagg h'Azathoth y-bug sll'ha athg phlegeth syha'h 'ai h'gof'nn c'fhalma h'gof'nn, ah r'luh nog hlirgh h'Yoggoth throd mg ph'ep. Throd llll Cthulhu nnnsll'ha Yoggoth phlegeth gof'nn Nyarlathotep gof'nn Dagon sll'ha, gotha nnnNyarlathotep ep Dagon chtenff gnaiih nan'ghft hupadgh ngshugg, ron nglui sgn'wahl f'fhtagn ebunmanyth hrii fm'latghnyth grah'n shogg. Nnngotha shugg nilgh'ri ph's'uhn uaaah ahor wgah'n ee 'bthnk, wgah'n ron ph'shogg nnnAzathoth hupadgh orr'e fhtagn, hafh'drn lw'nafh sgn'wahl mg ilyaa f'k'yarnak ngluinyth! Yoggoth shugg Azathoth wgah'nog Yoggoth nafly'hah k'yarnak ooboshu li'hee hai ep phlegeth lloig, zhro sgn'wahl y-'bthnk shogg Nyarlathotep Cthulhu ah ngs'uhn ph'sll'ha gothanyth hlirghagl. Hlirgh hai ilyaa gotha kn'a Yoggoth li'hee nafly'hah 'bthnk r'luh, ebunma ilyaa Hastur Chaugnar Faugn mg 'fhalma Hastur throd sll'ha ch', ehyeyar lloignyth bug gof'nn gotha gnaiih stell'bsna Azathoth. Hafh'drn athg Chaugnar Faupign!

▶ ▷ ▶ CRIME NEWS Θ strange things afoot! • oFFICER jenny AND THE kANGASKHAN pOLICE HAVE CURRENTLY ISSUED THIS pUBLIC sERVICE aNNOUNCEMENT! eVERYONE SHOULD EXERCISE extreme caution WHEN GETTING AROUND ON THE ROUTES AND IN THE CITIES TODAY! pEOPLE HAVE BEEN REPORTING STRANGE HAPPENINGS INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO ODD warping effects, MYSTERIOUS CHANGES IN scenery, AND OTHER EERIE PHENOMENON! aT THIS TIME WE ARE RECOMMENDING THAT ALL TRAINERS STAY SAFE AND INDOORS AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE! iF YOU SHOULD ENCOUNTER ONE OF THESE AFOREMENTIONED CREATURES, please MAKE SURE T Θ CITY WINGED NEAR! ATTACKED BLACKTHORN FURY HIKERS! • !

▶ ▷ ▶ WEATHER Θ MAN DOWN! MAN DOWN! • Your Channel EV Pokemon Weather Station — the first stop to weather the weather whatever the weather! — is sending out this urgent message in desperate search of Ace Reporter KENNEDY! Last heard from three days ago, Reportre KENNEDY sent us a transmission from Lavender Tonw, where he'd been keeping us updatde on both the physicla climate and the spiritual one! We are reproducing that transmissino in its entireyt here: "I thnk thers somethg on the Twr. I'd betr go have a lok!" Ace Reporter KENNEDY, can you hera us? Where aer you? Wheer aer yuo? Θ A NOTE FROM MOM! • EAT A FUCKING SALAD IT'S LIKE PLANT NACHOS NOW GO CUT YOUR MOM SOME FLOWERS BEFORE I CUT YOU

▶ ▷ ▶ SWARM NEWS Θ WE'RE ALL WAITING FOR YOU! • Come little children, come with me, safe and happy you will be. Away from your homes now let us run, with Hypno you'll have so much fun. Oh little children, please don't cry, Hypno wouldn't hurt a fly. Be free, be free be free to play, come down in my cave with me to stay. Oh little children, please don't squirm, those ropes I know will hold you firm. Hypno tells you this is true but sadly Hypno lied to you but sadly Hypno lied to you but sadly Hypno lied to you but sadly Hypno lied to you but sadly Hypno lied to you but sadly Hypno lied to you but sadly Hypno lied to you Θ D I N G D O N G • Day 8: Today my ears started to bleed. It wasn't horrible, but it was incredibly odd. But I also had this feeling that something was watching me on and off throughout the rest of the day. Day 9: I became incredibly paranoid when the song finished. The feeling I had yesterday about something watching me was back, but it was more consistent than it was before. For some reason I hadn't been feeling nauseated or light headed in a while. I guess I'm getting used to listening to it so long. Day 10: There was crackling in the song that I hadn't heard before. It was high pitched and lasted for a good minute. I had passed out for nearly a half hour after the song. When I woke up my nose was bleeding, and my face was beyond white

▶ ▷ ▶ MISC. NEWS Θ I SCREAM, YOU SCREAM! • We all scream we all scream we all scream w w w w w we all scream we all s c r e am we all s c rea m we s we help us help us help us w e a a a a a a all s c ream for ice cream i scream you scream we all scream for help us help us s c r e e e e e e e a a m ic e s cream! Θ HFOHBS BOE DMFGBCMF, FDMFZQ ZMC BKDEZAKD! • ⸮WODAHS RUOY TIH OT DEIRT REVE UOY EVAH

Codes borrowed and modified from pastries here!



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Comments

[lieutenantantichrist]

Ah, hell, why not. I'll give it a shot. It can't be easy to try to put something together from a list of like 50 words to work with.

First paragraph direct, word for word:

Go place reside in invite cult pray for question Shub-Niggurath contract, cult pit burn my summoner call their essence control/reside on pain of, here Dagon larva worthless native of travel pact and native of death. Cohesion invite Chaugnar Faugn, Dagon our here Shub-Niggurath followers father not-followers, wish my exchange cohesion now bring darkness mind, place exchange pact do soul comes servant its invite Azathoth, realm of dreams Yoggoth's time people Hastur and pray to summon.

Something about going home and having a cult summon some old gods to burn souls, hatch Dagon larva, and eat people's brains. So, pretty much what you'd think.

I'm only doing the first paragraph because every fiber of my body just yelled NERD and told me to go outside.

[these_balls]

Standby for your superclassy ultra-photoshopped HERO OF THE WEEK star.

[digitalorunknown]

fucking hell i started on it too

[digitalorunknown]

and tried looking up the proper nouns to see if they could be stand-ins for pokemon shit

[lieutenantantichrist]

I seriously thought it had something to do with bug Pokemon, since I didn't see "bug" there on that list until I was almost done.

[digitalorunknown]

three words in i was thinking it had something to do with the azalea gym APPARENTLY NOT THOUGH

[these_balls]

[lieutenantantichrist]

I will treasure this forever.

And now I'm glad I didn't go through with the hard part: trying to hammer it into something coherent.